Things I Miss Since I Made Little People

Having two beautiful Girlies is absolutely and categorically the best thing I have ever done. They are heavenly. I worship them. But there are one or two things I miss…

  • Wallowing. Being able to wallow in my own illness or hangover. Just to lay, uninterrupted, flat in my smelly bedsheets and moan, angrily scrolling through my phone and sneering.
  • Morning sex. There’s always a child making noise when I wake up. It’s not conducive to romance.
  • Sounding like me rather than my mum. At least 50% of my day, my mum’s voice comes out of my mouth rather than my own. I tried not to the other day…my toddler ran around like Drop Dead Fred.
  • Reading Grazia in the bath with a glass of prosecco every Saturday. I may as well cancel my subscription. And my bath is full of mouldy rubber toys that dig in my bum cheeks.
  • Complete reckless abandonment to alcohol. There’s always a niggle in the back of my mind reminding me they’ll be in my face in a couple of hours. Unless I stay away at which point I do recklessly abandon all sense of motherhood….until the morning when I torture myself with guilt and disgust (even though most of the time I haven’t done anything wrong)
  • Size 10 skinny fit trousers. Ok, maybe this should be on the “since I got married list”
  • Skyscraper high heels. I just can’t do anything above 4″ now. Kurt Geiger must have seen a major profit drop.
  • Waking up after 7am. I long for the day I look at my phone and it starts with a 10. That did actually happen the other day but only because I fell asleep at 8.45pm and I had my 12-hour clock on.
  • A smooth flat tummy. Mine feels like a wicker basket.
  • Spending more than 2 and half minutes on my hair and make up. I used to have time to put liquid eyeliner on. Now I don’t have time to unscrew the lid.
  • Walking past a pub and going for a drink. Mmmmmm. That’s me recalling that Ale-y, alcohol-y, sweaty smell.
  • A peaceful 5pm to 7pm. How has someone not invented a family mute button?! I promise I’ll only use it Monday to Friday from 5pm to 7pm. And maybe midnight to 4am.
  • Peeing alone. I don’t want much from life, just to have a little breather on the loo. Yesterday this happened….

 


Please do share yours, let us lament the past!

Mrs H xx

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