The Perfect Grandma 

The Perfect Grandma loves babies. Snuggled to her bosom, she reminds them “there’s no milk there anymore”! She is enchanted with every flicker of an eye and every twitch of a cheek. 

The Perfect Grandma knows every nursery rhyme and will sing all day. She will learn your new, made-up songs and wave her arms in time to your beat. 

The Perfect Grandma gives yummy morning snuggles. She sends Grandad for tea and tells you stories about your Dad. If you look carefully, you watch her eyes mist over as she travels back in time. 

The Perfect Grandma keeps toys in the cupboard, she makes Popoid monsters with big Googley eyes. She colours for hours. She puts pounds in a pot and takes you to the toy shop. 

The Perfect Grandma teaches you to knit, with fingers or with needles. She laughs when you drop a stitch, and will cast off for you. “What a lovely scarf!” she says.

The Perfect Grandma tells you you’re growing more handsome all the time. She is interested in your life, but she does not probe. She listens or talks, she is easy to be around. 

The Perfect Grandma wishes you a happy birthday. Not just a card, but a song with Grandad and a keyboard. You wait for it all day, laughing as she sings. 

The Perfect Grandma bakes you treats. Chewy flapjacks, delicious gingerbread and sausage rolls that make a grown man say “mmmmm!” Christmas cakes and puds are made months before, out-lasting the season by months. 

The Perfect Grandma drinks gallons of tea. She keeps cans of cream soda, boxes of biscuits and egg sandwiches. She’s always ready to feed fifty when there’s never more than five. 

The Perfect Grandma makes a roast to cure all ailments. Hangovers, colds, broken hearts…her gravy is medicine. Her custard is divine. 

The Perfect Grandma won’t let you leave empty-handed. Eggs in foil, honeycomb in chocolate, cakes in tubs. She is happiest when she knows you are eating. 

The Perfect Grandma welcomes you and your friends. Makes obscure connections shrugging when she’s wrong. She sits and thinks “my neighbour knew someone from there…do you know them?”

The Perfect Grandma has perfect hair. She dashes away to do it when you surprise her. She emerges the same, still curly, still perfect. 

The Perfect Grandma loves puzzles and magazines. She Takes a Break for a crossword, enters competitions. She might ask you to check “the google” for an answer, with an “aren’t I naughty” smile. 

The Perfect Grandma is delighted at more babies. She knits shawls and jumpers, cannot wait to be Great. Hats and mittens, she remembers all the dates. 

The Perfect Grandma loves tigers and green. Loves purples and weddings, and kittens and gold. Loves watching her neighbours, loves telling their tales.  

The Perfect Grandma doesn’t mind who you love, she just wants you happy. She doesn’t mind if you’re bad, she knows you’ll come good. 

The Perfect Grandma loves you. 

Grandma Penny. Big Grandma. Purple Grandma. The Perfect Grandma is ours. 

For Joan Blake, 11/12/1929 – 2/03/2017