Peppa Pig is crack to my toddler. I don’t know how it is possible or what makes it so special but I do know that she can’t see or hear me when it’s on. I try my best to not let her watch it too often but I am a far from perfect mother and it’s amazing what can be achieved in 5 minutes (cleaning up a poonami being my current favourite passtime). However I hate Peppa Pig. She pisses me off. Here’s why…

  • Peppa is a dick. A precocious opinionated superior arsehole. If she were a real girl I would not let my Girlies hang out with her.
  • When will George learn some new words? Why don’t cartoon babies don’t age (Maggie Simpson, Stuie, the Rugrats)? Come on George, “dine-saw grrr” just isn’t cutting it anymore. I think you have more to offer.
  • Miss Rabbit and all her jobs. Logistical ridiculousness. To man the lake, the picnic area, the ice cream stand as well as the supermarket is just silly. People would be renting boats, eating ice cream and buying ice and beer at the same time on a sunny day. Picture Hyde Park on a summers’ Saturday. You just can’t be in all places at once, Miss Rabbit. And you’re rude.
  • Someone really needs to be honest with Suzy Sheep. I don’t think she’s going to make it as a nurse, her bedside manner is shocking.
  • The Rainbow song. That’s not the colours of the rainbow and that’s not how the rainbow song goes. Pipe down Peppa.
  • Grandad Pig. Chauvinist bastard. Never let’s anyone else drive his boat.
  • Why are all the islands so small? Who can even fit on them? Even the ducks are too big.
  • Daddy Pig and his beer gut. Mummy Pig is blatantly a milf. Where’s our eye candy?! Dr Brown Bear has potential but we just don’t see enough of him.
  • The theme tune. It stresses me out. It makes me panic and feel like I have to do everything NOW! Do-do do doo do, do-do-do-do-do-doo. Powch (that was me holding a gun to my head and making that shooting noise that I don’t know how to write).
  • The merchandise. The picture of me in my hot PJs needs no words.

So there you have it.  A list of reasons why I hate Peppa Pig and why Girly no2 will not be watching it.

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