Having two beautiful Girlies is absolutely and categorically the best thing I have ever done. They are heavenly. I worship them. But there are one or two things I miss…
- Wallowing. Being able to wallow in my own illness or hangover. Just to lay, uninterrupted, flat in my smelly bedsheets and moan, angrily scrolling through my phone and sneering.
- Morning sex. There’s always a child making noise when I wake up. It’s not conducive to romance.
- Sounding like me rather than my mum. At least 50% of my day, my mum’s voice comes out of my mouth rather than my own. I tried not to the other day…my toddler ran around like Drop Dead Fred.
- Reading Grazia in the bath with a glass of prosecco every Saturday. I may as well cancel my subscription. And my bath is full of mouldy rubber toys that dig in my bum cheeks.
- Complete reckless abandonment to alcohol. There’s always a niggle in the back of my mind reminding me they’ll be in my face in a couple of hours. Unless I stay away at which point I do recklessly abandon all sense of motherhood….until the morning when I torture myself with guilt and disgust (even though most of the time I haven’t done anything wrong)
- Size 10 skinny fit trousers. Ok, maybe this should be on the “since I got married list”
- Skyscraper high heels. I just can’t do anything above 4″ now. Kurt Geiger must have seen a major profit drop.
- Waking up after 7am. I long for the day I look at my phone and it starts with a 10. That did actually happen the other day but only because I fell asleep at 8.45pm and I had my 12-hour clock on.
- A smooth flat tummy. Mine feels like a wicker basket.
- Spending more than 2 and half minutes on my hair and make up. I used to have time to put liquid eyeliner on. Now I don’t have time to unscrew the lid.
- Walking past a pub and going for a drink. Mmmmmm. That’s me recalling that Ale-y, alcohol-y, sweaty smell.
- Enjoyable 5pm to 7pm. I miss the pub. How has someone not invented a family mute button?! I promise I’ll only use it Monday to Friday from 5pm to 7pm. And maybe midnight to 4am.
- Peeing alone. I don’t want much from life, just to have a little breather on the loo. I don’t want the door to be opened and the world know what my poo face looks like. That should never be shared.
Again, I love my babies. Really I do. But it’s ok to miss things. Let me know the things you miss in the comments!
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Peppa Pig is crack to my toddler. I don’t know how it is possible or what makes it so special but I do know that she can’t see or hear me when it’s on. I try my best to not let her watch it too often but I am a far from perfect mother and it’s amazing what can be achieved in 5 minutes (cleaning up a poonami being my current favourite passtime). However I hate Peppa Pig. She pisses me off. Here’s why…
- Peppa is a dick. A precocious opinionated superior arsehole. If she were a real girl I would not let my Girlies hang out with her.
- When will George learn some new words? Why don’t cartoon babies don’t age (Maggie Simpson, Stuie, the Rugrats)? Come on George, “dine-saw grrr” just isn’t cutting it anymore. I think you have more to offer.
- Miss Rabbit and all her jobs. Logistical ridiculousness. To man the lake, the picnic area, the ice cream stand as well as the supermarket is just silly. People would be renting boats, eating ice cream and buying ice and beer at the same time on a sunny day. Picture Hyde Park on a summers’ Saturday. You just can’t be in all places at once, Miss Rabbit. And you’re rude.
- Someone really needs to be honest with Suzy Sheep. I don’t think she’s going to make it as a nurse, her bedside manner is shocking.
- The Rainbow song. That’s not the colours of the rainbow and that’s not how the rainbow song goes. Pipe down Peppa.
- Grandad Pig. Chauvinist bastard. Never let’s anyone else drive his boat.
- Why are all the islands so small? Who can even fit on them? Even the ducks are too big.
- Daddy Pig and his beer gut. Mummy Pig is blatantly a milf. Where’s our eye candy?! Dr Brown Bear has potential but we just don’t see enough of him.
- The theme tune. It stresses me out. It makes me panic and feel like I have to do everything NOW! Do-do do doo do, do-do-do-do-do-doo. Powch (that was me holding a gun to my head and making that shooting noise that I don’t know how to write).
- The merchandise. The picture of me in my hot PJs needs no words.
So there you have it. A list of reasons why I hate Peppa Pig and why Girly no2 will not be watching it.
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Mothers Day is just around the corner and since it’s my 3rd one and I have two Girlies, I intend to take full advantage. Note that none of this post is sponsored, I’m just sharing my fave things that I would like as Mothers Day gifts! Listen up Husband!
I want to wake up in my favourite Egyptian Cotton bedsheets, minus the poo stains, sick patches and wee puddles. These ones are expensive but totally worth it. The annoying thing is that they get softer the longer you have them…we often debate how many bodily fluids are acceptable before you throw them away and start again.
I expect to be brought burning hot tea in my beautiful Emma Bridgewater Mummy mug. And I want to drink it while it’s hot. With some hot cross buns. And maybe a chocolate digestive. Or two.
After breakfast I would like to put on my fat cover ups, I’m loving this Alexander McQueen one which I’ll wear with my sexy fat pants and stretchy jeans (we all know I mean pyjamas) ready to fall asleep in later.
After a little play, maybe doing some jigsaw puzzles, I might have a little nap. Then I want us all to mark our heights on this amazing measuring chart. It’s an alternative to doing it on a wall and can move house with you, which I love.
We’re probably past midday now and allowed a glass of prosecco so I’ll have the £5 one I’ve discovered in Lidl or if Husband is feeling flush then I’ll have the pretty Pink one from Waitrose. My own Mum will stop by for a glass I’m sure!
Finally my hand will be adorned with this beautiful ring while they all tell me how much they love me and that the house just wouldn’t work without me.
In the afternoon the Girls will sleep for two hours at exactly the same time whilst I laze (glamorously of course) on the sofa maybe watching one of the films I just haven’t got to recently…Bad Mom seems like a good choice.
After a surprise evening meal at a local pub where my daughters are perfectly behaved and everyone comments on how wonderfully brought up they must be, I’m told that next day I’m going to a spa with my best mum friends! A day here at Champneys Forest Mere will I’m sure leave me feeling calm and serene, ready to accept another week of Girly no1 covering herself in food and drink and Girly no2 crying for 2 hours every day before bed.
Bedtime swiftly follows taking only ten minutes because no one wriggles, runs away naked or cries so I’m on the sofa by 7.30 ready to tuck into the huge bar of chocolate waiting for me. Obviously it’s ok for me to eat since I didn’t buy it myself. Healthy eating maintained!
As much as this is my dream day, we all know it’s far more likely that I’ll wake up in my poo-stained, ripped sheets with one baby being sick down my cleavage while my toddler jumps on my head. We’ll eat stale hot cross buns with cold tea in our PJ’s and then have a glass of flat prosecco that was opened 3 days ago. No one will sleep, during the day or at night. My only Mothers Day gift will be a piece of card with some tissue paper stuck to it that no1 made at nursery. Girly no2 will produce 10 pooey nappies and it will rain all day so we won’t be able to leave the house. We won’t bother going out for dinner because the baby won’t stop crying and Girly no1 won’t eat anything on the menu, so we’ll eat ready meals from Tescos in front of CBeebies. It will be perfect and I’ll love every second.
Happy Mothers Day Super Mamas! Enjoy your day as much as I will! Please like or comment below. Further blog posts available here.