Things I Miss Since Having Little People

Things I Miss Since Having Little People

Having two beautiful Girlies is absolutely and categorically the best thing I have ever done. They are heavenly. I worship them. But there are one or two things I miss…

  • Wallowing. Being able to wallow in my own illness or hangover. Just to lay, uninterrupted, flat in my smelly bedsheets and moan, angrily scrolling through my phone and sneering.
  • Morning sex. There’s always a child making noise when I wake up. It’s not conducive to romance.
  • Sounding like me rather than my mum. At least 50% of my day, my mum’s voice comes out of my mouth rather than my own. I tried not to the other day…my toddler ran around like Drop Dead Fred.
  • Reading Grazia in the bath with a glass of prosecco every Saturday. I may as well cancel my subscription. And my bath is full of mouldy rubber toys that dig in my bum cheeks.
  • Complete reckless abandonment to alcohol. There’s always a niggle in the back of my mind reminding me they’ll be in my face in a couple of hours. Unless I stay away at which point I do recklessly abandon all sense of motherhood….until the morning when I torture myself with guilt and disgust (even though most of the time I haven’t done anything wrong)
  • Size 10 skinny fit trousers. Ok, maybe this should be on the “since I got married list”
  • Skyscraper high heels. I just can’t do anything above 4″ now. Kurt Geiger must have seen a major profit drop.
  • Waking up after 7am. I long for the day I look at my phone and it starts with a 10. That did actually happen the other day but only because I fell asleep at 8.45pm and I had my 12-hour clock on.
  • A smooth flat tummy. Mine feels like a wicker basket.
  • Spending more than 2 and half minutes on my hair and make up. I used to have time to put liquid eyeliner on. Now I don’t have time to unscrew the lid.
  • Walking past a pub and going for a drink. Mmmmmm. That’s me recalling that Ale-y, alcohol-y, sweaty smell.
  • Enjoyable 5pm to 7pm. I miss the pub. How has someone not invented a family mute button?! I promise I’ll only use it Monday to Friday from 5pm to 7pm. And maybe midnight to 4am.
  • Peeing alone. I don’t want much from life, just to have a little breather on the loo. I don’t want the door to be opened and the world know what my poo face looks like. That should never be shared.

 

Again, I love my babies. Really I do. But it’s ok to miss things. Let me know the things you miss in the comments!

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Things I Hate About Peppa Pig

Peppa Pig is crack to my toddler. I don’t know how it is possible or what makes it so special but I do know that she can’t see or hear me when it’s on. I try my best to not let her watch it too often but I am a far from perfect mother and it’s amazing what can be achieved in 5 minutes (cleaning up a poonami being my current favourite passtime). However I hate Peppa Pig. She pisses me off. Here’s why…

  • Peppa is a dick. A precocious opinionated superior arsehole. If she were a real girl I would not let my Girlies hang out with her.
  • When will George learn some new words? Why don’t cartoon babies don’t age (Maggie Simpson, Stuie, the Rugrats)? Come on George, “dine-saw grrr” just isn’t cutting it anymore. I think you have more to offer.
  • Miss Rabbit and all her jobs. Logistical ridiculousness. To man the lake, the picnic area, the ice cream stand as well as the supermarket is just silly. People would be renting boats, eating ice cream and buying ice and beer at the same time on a sunny day. Picture Hyde Park on a summers’ Saturday. You just can’t be in all places at once, Miss Rabbit. And you’re rude.
  • Someone really needs to be honest with Suzy Sheep. I don’t think she’s going to make it as a nurse, her bedside manner is shocking.
  • The Rainbow song. That’s not the colours of the rainbow and that’s not how the rainbow song goes. Pipe down Peppa.
  • Grandad Pig. Chauvinist bastard. Never let’s anyone else drive his boat.
  • Why are all the islands so small? Who can even fit on them? Even the ducks are too big.
  • Daddy Pig and his beer gut. Mummy Pig is blatantly a milf. Where’s our eye candy?! Dr Brown Bear has potential but we just don’t see enough of him.
  • The theme tune. It stresses me out. It makes me panic and feel like I have to do everything NOW! Do-do do doo do, do-do-do-do-do-doo. Powch (that was me holding a gun to my head and making that shooting noise that I don’t know how to write).
  • The merchandise. The picture of me in my hot PJs needs no words.

So there you have it.  A list of reasons why I hate Peppa Pig and why Girly no2 will not be watching it.

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